Christmas
Jokes
Country of origin: Various/unknown
More jokes here
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere!
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!
Other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Guy.
Uncle Sam is a finger-pointing politician. Guy.
St. Nick?? Not a chance. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal. A guy couldn't possibly pull it all off!
Also:
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
- Being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly".
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody else is wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Men can't pack a bag.
- A male Santa would get lost in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
- And finally, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree.
"How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"