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More jokes here
- What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
- What is grey and not there.
- Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be asprins.
- Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
- Why do elephants wear small green hats?
So they can sneak across snooker tables unobserved.
- How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his privates red and climbs up a cherry tree.
- What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
- How many legs does an elephant have?
four, two in the front, two in the back.
- How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You cant, silly, there is only one Tarzan!
- Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.
- How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.
- What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
- What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
- What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Exclusive use of the elevator.
- How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, You get down from a duck.
- How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody great holes all over Australia.
- How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
- What's big, red and slimey?
An inside-out elephant.
- Why do elephants wear sandles?
So that they don't sink in the sand.
- Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandles.
- Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
- Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No? Well, it must work so.
- Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
- What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life.
- What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
- What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
- What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
- What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.
- What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
- How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
- How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
- How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
- How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
- How do you get an elephant out of the water?
- How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
- How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
- What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
- What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!
- What do elephants use for tampons?
- Why do elephants have trunks?
Sheeps don't come with a string.
- What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
- What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.
- Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.
- What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
- Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
- What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
- How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
- How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
- How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
- How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
- How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
- Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
- What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
- Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
- Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
- Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
- And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
- What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.
- Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
- Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.
- What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 mph (8 kph in the rest of the world)
- How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
- How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
- What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
- How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
- How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
- What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.
- The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.
- How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!
- What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!
- Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen
- How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
- What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
- How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas, ...
- How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
- What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Parachute him from an airplane.
- Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.
- Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
- Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamp out forest fires.
- Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamp out flaming ducks.
- Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
To fit on lily pads.
- Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
- Whay are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
- Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
- What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
- Why are pygmies so short?
They can't tell time.
- What is that stuff between elephants toes?
- What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
- What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.
- How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
- Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
- How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
- What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
- How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A two-ton pickup.
- What did the female elephant say during sex?
"Can I be on top this time?"
- What did the elephant say to the nude man?
Cute, but can you breathe through it?
- Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
- Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
None of the offspring survived.
- How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
- How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
- What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
- What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
- Why do elephants lay on their backs?
To trip low flying canaries.
- Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
He wasn't laying on his back.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.
- How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.
- How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.
- What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts
- Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.
- What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
- What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
- Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
- What is the height of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
- What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.
- What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!
- What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
Look what I just stepped in!
- What do elephants use for slippers?
- What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
- What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
- How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)
- What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!
- What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
- What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
- How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.