WeirdSpace Digital Library - Culture without borders
Work and Management
Jokes Country of origin: Various/unknown
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Due to the current financial situation, the management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over thirty on early retirement. This scheme will be called Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the Special Help After Retirement Training (SHAFT) scheme. Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will reviewed under the Scheme for Retired Early Workers (SCREW). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED may apply to get Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse (AIDS) or Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons remaining in service will receive as much Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. If you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Rules For Work:
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
You have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
To: All Employees
Subject: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give all employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately
placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and your managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. any more and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding
Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Boss In General,
Special High Intensity Training.
In the beginning was THE PLAN
And then came THE ASSUMPTIONS
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the faces of the employees
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of crap and it stinks."
And the employees went unto their supervisors, saying
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying
"It a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their directors, saying
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the directors went into their executive directors, saying
"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong."
And the executive directors went unto the board of directors, saying
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the general manager went unto the board of directors, saying
"This new plan with actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization and these areas in particular."
And the board of directors looked upon the plan and saw that it was good and the plan became policy.